Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars