Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.