MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”