MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
You Might Also Like
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
🌱🌱🌱
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”