Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

😂

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.