Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.