Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch