Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Childbirth is so beautiful

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.