MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!