Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.