math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Why soy sad?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.