Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said