@stuartfiddle

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

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@Sourcoast

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

@MyselfStalking

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I ate Julie’s sandwich.
I ate Julie’s colon.

@markleggett

Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.

@noneofyours99

I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!

@BritXNic

“Alcohol doesn’t affect me”

*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*

@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

@daddydoubts

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”