math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
marvel comics have peaked
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.