math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

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Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.


For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.


A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I ate Julie’s sandwich.
I ate Julie’s colon.


Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.


I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!


“Alcohol doesn’t affect me”

*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*


I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.


My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.


My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”