Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
You Might Also Like
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
concern
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?