Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor