Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
You Might Also Like
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.