MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not