MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I think I’m gonna be sick
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Weirdly Wednesday.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
