MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.