MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO