MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Not all heroes wear capes….
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.