Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

Vodka burrito was a success