MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
so weird how every mom was born today
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic