math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
