math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
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I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.