mathematically impossible
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.