mathematically impossible
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My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
synchronized noseblowing
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.