mathematically impossible
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Look, a pure bread cat!
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.