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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
any last words?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh