Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
You Might Also Like
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?