Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
…u ok Nintendo?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it