Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year