Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg