Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.