Maths meets science
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so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
gm
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Just how popey was the pope today?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
😭😭
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.