Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
This fish is cracking me up
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
