Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Oh deer
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
