Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I’m not stressed
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
