Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
A dad and his duck
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
termite twitter scares me
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.