Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

The photographer’s assistant