Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.