Matt Goss
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The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.