Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Some people were born into their job.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

about to have the best blueberries of my life