Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
