Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.