Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*