@MattchooFitz

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

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@BrandyLJensen

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

@murrman5

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

@Probgoblin

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

@withanewname

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

@coketruck76

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

@celestinelea90

90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys

@CulturedRuffian

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.