“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.