Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’ve had worse
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.