Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

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*Pulls your panties to the side*

*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*


I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.


God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]


her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side


KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog


Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.


I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.


90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.


Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.