Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes