@ShesAllNat

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

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@Eightinchgoat

*Pulls your panties to the side*

*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*

@robfee

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

@Gorilla_Turd

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

@Cpin42

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

@AndyAsAdjective

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

@PaulyPeligroso

90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.

@infinitesimull

Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.