Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER