“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
When you have to use a public restroom.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger