“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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They’re called werewolves.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.