“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
You Might Also Like
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I am HOWLING at this
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The three genders.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.