Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.