Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.