Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.