@TheTweetOfGod

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

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@str8upjuggahos

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

@TopherKearby

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

@TravLeBlanc

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

@flashember

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

@LitSpud

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

@_SingleBabyMama

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.