Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.