Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Think I pulled my liver
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My neck my back my allergy attack
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
man: wait
time: no
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?