Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

I am also baked goods

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Squirrels before girls.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.