Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic