Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.