Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that