Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You Might Also Like
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.