Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up