Matthew was born for this.
You Might Also Like
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Nomnomnomnom
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
BaD BoY!!