Matthew was born for this.
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[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers