Matthew was born for this.
You Might Also Like
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.