Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.