Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

meow

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Y’all ready for this

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair