Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Fights fire with marshmallows

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit