Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

🤣😂🤣😂

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright