[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
You Might Also Like
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I’m putting together a team
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah