[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”