Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

My wife is suspicious about me coming to bed early and I’m like “I’m just tired and ready for bed*”

*Playstation network is down.

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

😭😭

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather