Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

britain’s three elite institutions

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Good point.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭