Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.