Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.